I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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