Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
