Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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