dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
