I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
