I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
