He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
why is half of my head shaved?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
