hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm gonna have a badass scar
My cat gives me a boner
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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