I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
