If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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