The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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