my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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