WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
