I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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