I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
