also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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