Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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