My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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