I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
