i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
