At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
