All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
