i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
