Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
