my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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