also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
