Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
