The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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