My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
