You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
