peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
