was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
