Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
