You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
