I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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