Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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