she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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