When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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