bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
