my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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