he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
