She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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