don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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