I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Im part way to drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
