hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
