My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You can't special order awesome
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
