mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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