"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
