U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
