There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
